diary of a step-mom

I'm having a guilty conscious about being a step-mom.  I've been in my step-daughter's life for almost 6 years now and have always treated her as my own.  I would do anything for her and she and I have always had a really good relationship.  She respects me as an authority figure but also trusts me enough to confide in me.  Although she is getting older, I hope that this will be the way it stays for years to come.

When my son was born 2 and a half years ago, I finally experienced what unconditional love truly is.  There is something special about carrying and growing a baby inside your belly for 9 months and the emotional journey that it takes you through.  And then when you finally get to hold your precious baby in your arms for the first time, you just know - you would die for this child.

Yes, I love my son more than the world itself.  I would chose him over anyone else in this world.  But the thought that I just don't feel the same way about my step-daughter has been making me feel really guilty.  I try and try to push that feeling out in hopes that I'll feel the same way about her but it's just not happening.  I desperately want to be that person that loves a child unconditionally no matter where they came from.  After all, she is my husband's child.  Shouldn't I automatically feel that way even though we are not connected by blood?

I do love my step-daughter.  But it's a different kind of love.  The connection I have with my son is deep because I'm his mom...his birth mother.  I've been there for him since day 1.  With my step-daughter, I came into her life when she was 5.  She already has a mother and I completely respect that which is why I may have set up a barrier of some sort......to ensure that I wasn't overstepping any boundaries.

My step-daughter lives with us full-time.  I have the honour and opportunity of raising her with my husband and I have become a motherly figure to her.  Some days she loves me and some days she's annoyed with me.  I feel bad when it's the latter but I figure that parental units do annoy their children sometimes.  When someone asks me if my step-daughter is my daughter {which is funny because I'm a completely different race than her}, I say yes - mostly because I do consider her my daughter, partly to avoid confusion and partly because I hate the term "step" {even though I'm using it consistently throughout this post!}.

My step-daughter is also the most wonderful sister to her little brother.  She is so loving and caring towards him that I count my lucky stars every day that, despite their 9 1/2 year age difference, they have a special bond that cannot be broken.  When she found out I was expecting her second sibling, she literally jumped for joy and screamed "I'm so happy!!".  That in itself is a sign that I'm doing something right.  I hope....

So why am I feeling so guilty?  I really, really want to feel this love for my step-daughter that I have for my son but I just can't get there.  Maybe it all comes down to the deep emotional connection of your own birth children.  Had I adopted, would the same thing happen?  Do I feel shorted somehow - that I'm such a prominent parent figure in her life, yet all she sees me is her Daddy's wife?  I mean, I've never heard her actually call me her step-mom.  Her mother is barely in her life yet she puts her up on a high pedestal.  Am I jealous of that?  Just a teensy bit?  I know I shouldn't be........

I really don't know the real answer.  It could be a combination of everything and I haven't even posted half of the issues.  Maybe it's just frustration contributed to raising children.  Maybe it's just parenthood.

Miss S:  If you ever read this, please know that I do love you and I am using this post as an outlet to express some feelings that I need to release.  I am so happy that you are in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world!  You are a treasure and I am truly grateful to call you my daughter.