the {joys} of pregnancy

 To celebrate my 33rd week of pregnancy glow, I've compiled a list I'd like to call "The {Joys} of Pregnancy".  Here it goes:

33 weeks & 4 days :)

The {Joys} of Pregnancy

1. You may have morning sickness and/or nausea during the first three months of your pregnancy.  For you unlucky ones, this could last the whole damned time.  That means 40+ weeks people!  For you lucky ones {yes I am one of the lucky ones - don't shoot me}, you won't experience any of this.  Actually, I lied.  I did experience a week or two of slight nausea - but only while driving.  Go figure.


2. You will get fat.  It doesn't matter how small you were before you got pregnant.  You will still be bigger than you were pre-pregnancy.  This isn't a bad thing as gaining weight is beneficial to your growing fetus and the amount of "recommended" weight gain varies from person to person.  But you will feel fatter than your usual self.  Guaranteed.


3. The pregnancy "glow" will wear off after 3-5 months.  Trust me.


4. You  may or may not get cankles.  I was lucky when I was pregnant with Lil J - I only got it for about two weeks and then they went away.  Unfortunately, this Baby Making Machine was not as fortunate.


5. People will come up to you and caress your belly.  Sometimes without asking.  Whether you like it or not.


6. If you're carrying extremely small, people will automatically think you're not eating.  Or remark, at least once a day, that you're really small.  I get it people.  My baby is small.


7. You may be constipated.  Or you may be lucky like me.


8. You will look at those hideous maternity jeans at least once.  Whether you decide to buy them or not is up to you.  Myself?  I live in black leggings.


9. You just may need a whole new wardrobe.  As in maternity clothes.  That's like a down payment on a house.  Well, no, not really.  It will be a huge investment.  Again, lucky me was able to make do with my current wardrobe of stretchy materials.  Viscose is my best friend.


10. If you're pregnant with your first baby, you will go gaga over everything baby.  You will also probably buy a lot of unnecessary stuff that will never see the light of day, so plan what you need very carefully.


11. Also, if you're preggos with baby #1, you will spend countless hours and days researching nothing but the best for baby.  Even after all that research, a number of your purchases will get recalled within the first year and baby will most likely surprisingly survive his/her first year without any serious mishaps.  Our ancestors did and they didn't even have half the resources we do nowadays.


12. Your partner will ask why you're in a bad mood.  You will respond with, "(#&$* )*#($&^ (#$&&**!!!!!!!"


13. You will finally snore louder than your partner and you won't even know it.  Luckily, your partner will make sure you know you snore like a horse {do horses snore?}.


14. You will be constantly hungry.  The kitchen, fridge & pantry will be your best friend.
    


15. Being tired all the time is an understatement.  If you are pregnant with baby #1, you will have the luxury of taking naps or sleeping whenever you want.  If you are pregnant with baby #2, #3 and so on, you will be exhausted 24/7.


16. In the later months of pregnancy, you won't be able to give yourself a pedicure due to your growing bump.  Use this as an excuse to escape to the spa!


17. Take maternity pictures!  It's a great way to remember your journey because as much as you think you'll remember your pregnancy, you probably won't remember how big you got.


18. Ever heard of pregnancy brain?  The rumours you hear are true.  Short term memory loss is a side effect of pregnancy.  If you think it ends there, it's also a side effect of motherhood.


19. You'll have to swear off your favourite foods, drinks and alcohol for 9 months.  No vino for 9 months??!!  That's enough to make a woman go insane!  And to top it off, I abstained from vino and spirits until Lil J was at least 6 months old because I was worried I would harm him while breastfeeding.  Truthfully, I don't think I'll have that kind of will power with baby #2.


20. You might have trouble sleeping.  This doesn't help with #15 on this list but you don't really have a choice. 


21. The toilet is your new best friend.  No, really.  In between bathroom breaks and/or morning sickness, you will really bond with your toilet.  The bathroom breaks definitely contribute to #20.


22. You may experience back pain.  With Lil J, I was fortunate enough not to go through this but with this little bugger, the lower back pain is here with a vengeance.  Plus it doesn't help that I strained my back during our recent Disneyland vacation.  Thank goodness for my Warm Buddy {a heat wrap not a sex toy, you sickos!}.


23. Nesting is a wonderful thing.  It could mean, although, that you'll go crazy rearranging the house, purging anything you think you don't need, etc etc.  It's not a bad thing though but it might make your partner go crazy.


24. You will receive unsolicited advice from family, friends, colleagues and complete strangers.  Take the advice with a grain of salt.  Only you know your body best.  Not some random Joe Blow.


25. You may be hit with serious congestion.  Congested sinuses that is.  I haven't been able to breathe since I found out I was pregnant and had to stop my allergy meds.  At least I'm not subjected to my husband's fart smells anymore.


26. People are extremely nice to you when you're pregnant.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  When baby comes and is screaming and crying in public, everyone will look the other way.  Parents will give you that knowing look while thinking, 'Thank god that's not my child'.


27. You get to lather your belly in moisturizer or "butter".  My absolute fave must-have is Mama Mio's Tummy Rub Butter.  Yum!


28. Your first pregnancy will probably go by super slow.  Your second, third and so on - super fast.  Like lightening speed.


29. Go on date nights with your partner.  Go to a movie, take a walk on the beach, take a mini weekend vacation.  After all, you're growing a baby right now - you don't have one yet.  Once baby comes, you'll be covered in spit up and poop and you'll seldom find time for just the two of you.  If you have other children, arrange for family or a babysitter to look after them for the night.


30. You get to pick out multiple names and daydream how well they flow with your last name.  You will also find out your partner's taste in names as well as your family and friends {all of which will be quickly crossed off your list}.  If you choose to share your name choice, be prepared to receive both positive and negative feedback.  Basically, tell everyone to just screw off.  You didn't name their poor child Dick or Gertrude.


31. Eat as much junk food as you can.  It's good for baby {don't quote me on that!}.


32. You will probably experience pre-contractions also known as Braxton Hicks.  It feels sort of like minor period cramps, only more annoying.  The first time I felt them they lasted half a day.


33. Even though you are pregnant, you are still the cook, janitor, doctor, psychiatrist, lover, coach, teacher, caretaker........  You still need to do laundry, cook dinner, kiss boo-boos, give baths, read books, lie halfway falling off your toddler's twin bed while you get him/her to sleep........any of this sound familiar?

This list was compiled out of love and to make mothers around the world laugh.  All sarcasm aside, I actually really do enjoy my pregnancies and hope that I can have at least one more little one in the future {if Vancouver becomes livable again}.

Here's to the {joys} of pregnancy!